I gotta find my place I wanna hear my sound don't care about other pain in front of me cause I'm just tryna' be happy

If I could gather up the nerve,
I'd put my feelings into words.
Lucky is the man who is the first love of a woman,
but luckier is the woman who is the last love of a man.

I wake up to go back to sleep,
I act real shallow but I'm in too deep.
All I care about is sex and violence,
A heavy bass line is my kind of silence.










okay. so i'm completly confused right now, i just don't get it. around my friends i'm hyper active, loud, talkative.. just myself:) and then when i'm around him.. i just feel so completly comfortable that i'm quiet. i feel like i can talk to him about anything..but i don't. i don't want to scare him away. but we broke up because i had promised him i would open up and i didn't. god this is so complicated. like i'm supposed to say "hi i'm ........ i'm 17. my parents got divorced when i was little, my dad wasnt around, my mom was a druggie/drunk. her boyfriend was abusive to  me. the old man we rented our house from showed me naked pictures, and told me he killed his wife and would kill my mom if i told anyone. then my parents got back together.. me and my brothers moved back home. my dad is a complete jackass and my moms settling for him and doesn't realize it. he doesn't care about anyone but himself. i've been ana/mia for 6 years now. i'vie had my heart broken and i'm terrified. i had a miscarriage when i was 13 and i'm scared i'll never have kids. all i want is to be accepted and to belong and to be happy with myself. i'm poor as fuck, i dropped out of highschool. i'm scared i'll end up like my mom considering i'm headed on the same path. my bestfriend died, my other one left the same day. i feel completely alone, except when i'm with you.. i feel safe when i'm with you. still wanna date me now?

FML. i know that it's not that bad, but when it consumes my thoughts sometimes, it seems that way.


the song happy by leona lewis describes this situation 100%.
well now i gotta go to sleep, i gotta get up at 7 to go to work.
then i'm hanging out with him later tomorrow night, and probably spending the night.
god i love laying in his arms, i wish i could call him mine again.

but we both said things to hurt each others pride. and he wants to take things slow,
that made me so happy the other night, him wanting to hang out...and telling me that he still had feelings for me.

this man is so amazing, he's everything i've ever dreamt of. but i'm just scared i'm not good enough, i've never been good enough for anyone else in my life.

or maybe it's just that i'm not good enough for myself, and don't give anyone a chance..
who knows.


night.



Intake:
salad-50.
tuna helper(GROSS) - i have no idea the calories, it was a small bowl. but i'm still gonna say about 1000 calories,

better than yesterday though.

Out-Take:
ran 2 miles.
100 crunches
baby sat- runnin after a two year old all day can wear you out!